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(Attack of the) Robot Mice

Lyric #2790 by bassMonkey

Tags: Jolly, Nonsense, Engineering, Defense Contracting, Gilbert and Sullivan
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Joined: 02.12.20
When I worked for the government deep underground,
In a secret laboratory with guards all round,
We made a lot of things that weren't too nice,
But the worst thing we made there was Robot Mice,
An advanced AI system on a pea-sized chip,
With a cybernetic frame and all equipped,
With razor-sharp teeth which would best enable,
Chewing through walls and severing cables.

No batteries required for powering these,
Because Robot Mice feed on Robot Cheese,
And in fact Robot Cheese isn't hard to make,
Though it turns out we made one mistake,
In the ratio of butter milk to motor oil,
Which caused a whole batch of the cheese to spoil,
So when the mice ate it they all went nuts,
And a p*ss*d DoD threw us out on our butts.

Built to wreck the networks of our enemies,
Without our control all the mice ran free,
Seeking datacenters in coordinated gangs,
Shredding infrastructure with their powerful faangs,
They got to Facebook first and to Netflix next,
Apple, Amazon and Google were most sorely vexed,
Soon the whole damn Internet was under attack,
Uncle Sam dropped a dime and he called us back.

We returned and we all donned our thinking caps,
But the answer was so obvious - Robot Cats!
So we worked all day and on through the night,
And it took a few days till it all came right,
But when we deployed them to do their worst,
The cats just sat and said "feed us first!"
They'd no taste for anything put in their dish,
Because what they all wanted was Robot Fish.

We went back to the bench to build Robot Fish,
Seemed we had no choice but fulfill their wish,
So we all worked harder than we had before,
And pretty soon we'd made Robot Fish galore,
But we found out just as we set them loose,
That they'd all been corrupted with Piranha Juice!
So the Robot Fish ate the Robot Cats,
"Oh Sh*t!" We exclaimed, "we hadn't thought of that."

In our hurry to build fish we had re-used parts,
We'd designed for the mice which was not too smart,
As the mice and the fish formed a neural net,
So the threat to the world was the deadliest yet,
With the mice on the land making data debris,
And the fish cutting cables under the sea,
We all sat there together in a darkened room,
Trying to think up ways to avert our doom.

When a voice from the back said "Folks, if I may,
I have what is needed to save the day,
You don't need guns and you can't use drugs,
What'll kill these b*st*rds is software bugs,
And I've countless millions to send to you,
Here's my business card if you doubt that's true",
So we read his card and believed his words,
His name was William Gates the Third.

So we took every bug Mr Gates could make,
And soon, sure enough, they began to take,
As the Robot Mice started powering down,
All the Robot Fish siezed up and drowned,
Thus in a fate that they'd earned so well,
The fish and the mice went to Robot Hell,
While the cats all ascended to Robot Heaven,
And the bugs went to live in Windows Eleven.
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